Waking up to my doctor rolling my bed down the hospital hallway and thinking, "Thank God this hell is over", only to hear her say....

"We couldn't do the surgery.  You had a bad reaction to the anesthesia, your heart rate shot from 60 to 130 in a matter of seconds.  We think you might be allergic, but just in case you need to get cleared by a cardiologist before we can reschedule your surgery."

(I wrote about what led up to this moment here, if you'd like to hear about the drama that got me to this point.)

My first thought was, Argh! You've got to be kidding me.  Followed closely by my second thought, Wait, now I might have a heart problem?!

Fast forward four weeks.  I had several tests done by a cardiologist and even had to wear a heart rate monitor for 7 days.  From day one the cardiologist told me he was absolutely certain my heart is healthy, but he had to do the testing to prove it so I could move forward with surgery.

A couple of weeks ago I was officially cleared by the cardiologist to have surgery.  Looks like my ticker is happy and healthy.

My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday (Nov 9th) and will mark a full year of this health drama that I cannot wait to leave behind me.

And I am nervous.  No, actually I'm pretty frickin scared.

For several reasons.

The fact that I had such a crazy reaction to the anesthesia coupled with how severely low my blood sugar got after only 45 minutes of being under (if you didn't know, I have Type 1 Diabetes).

And there's the whole "being cut open" thing.  Ugh.

But the biggest fear I have in all of this is something I didn't talk about the last time I wrote about the whole thing.

I have decided to have a partial hysterectomy. And I have gotten TONS of opinions on this from anyone I've told.

This was probably the toughest decision I've ever made.  SO many emotions and uncertainty.

But here's why I made this decision:

1- there is a chance that the fibroid could come back.  If I have the partial hysterectomy that goes away.  Seriously- I can't imagine going through all of this BS ever again.

2- I have a history with pre-cancerous cells in my uterus.  Have to have a biopsy every year (that shit doesn't tickle) and since I have that predisposition a partial hysterectomy would eliminate chances of it coming back in the future.

I know this is the right decision for me.  But-- It just feels so FINAL.

I'm really looking forward to Friday, when this will be all over.

I can get off these nasty hormones I've been on (I've gained 12 pounds, my hair falls out in clumps and I'm ticking emotional time bomb).

I can exercise without the fear of having a bleeding "episode".

I can stop walking around with a gazillion lady-supplies in my purse.

I can stop worrying when I'm in front of a group of people that something super embarrasing might happen.

And I can get back to living the life I want to live.

As nervous as I am about this surgery I truly believe that these events only make us stronger.  More resilient.  And I really dig that part.

I've been embracing staying present.  Just focusing on being in the moment.  When I do that, there is no fear.

I'm looking forward to writing to tell you all about how great the surgery went and how incredible I am feeling.

Thank you for being a part of my story.

And thank you for listening.

XO, 

Alicia

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